VBS

The twenty-first century woman has a wide variety of contraceptive options  at her fingertips. From spermacides to prescription drugs, modern birth control is all fun without the hassle. At least, that is what the drug companies want you to believe. Contraceptives and birth control are not full-proof. There is always a chance that something can go wrong. After all, these products are man made and therefore imperfect. Though many sources claim abstinence is the only sure-fire way to prevent unwanted pregnancy, these sources are misinformed. Rather, there is another method of birth control that proves to be one hundred percent effective and that, of course, is VBS.

VBS. Vacation Bible School. This week-long program has shared the Holy Gosple with universal youth since the late 1890's. In addition to sharing the good news, VBS programs implement Bible themed games, crafts, and songs within a three hour chunk, five days a week. The best part of VBS is the price. Because the program is a church sponsored event, enrollment is usually free or relatively low cost. This means one thing for parents: cheap babysitting. As a result of  this once-every-summer-deal, VBS programs flourish. Children flock to churches like a wild swarm of locusts. That is, a wild, savage swarm of locusts.

With one hundred pudding smeared faces under one sacred roof, things become a living hell for the suckers registerd as volunteers. Children bounce off the walls, loudly sound their battle cries, and run up and down the hallways without tire. The children mirror the fictional castaways from Lord of the Flies with an added edge of ADHD. After spending fifteen minutes with  a group, volunteers are drained. Children lose their "cute" appeal and transform into demons. Everything becomes a chaotic blur of bright colors and LA Gear light up shoes. Baby teeth turn to fangs. Eventually, prayers for comas are whispered as little, sweaty bodies hang from grown-up limbs. Time ticks slowly. Minutes last for eternity.

When all hope seems lost, the blessed time comes. Twelve o'clock. Noon. Depature. The tykes are wrangled, wresteled into their appropriate booster seats, and whisked away by parents who never worked a VBS. Waving goodbye to the caravan of minivans, volunteers cross their legs and prepare for a chaste life. There is no need for shots, YAZ, or the patch. Volunteer at a VBS and you'll be good for life.